Corniche Beach - Abu Dhabi

Corniche Beach - Abu Dhabi

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Shut up, hope.

August 14th. A turning point. The point that marks "before" and "after," "with" and "without," "life" and "death." I hate admitting that everyone was right. It did get easier. The pain of abruptly and shockingly losing my mom doesn't consume every thought of every day. In fact, there are even days when I manage to skip thinking about the loss all together.

This must be healing. And moving on might be easier if it weren't for that one, pesky, little emotion....hope. Ordinarily, I see the value of hope, even embrace it. Hope has guided me through many difficult times and, under most circumstances, I'm grateful that I can be positive enough to experience and embody a hopeful attitude.

The problem with hope arises when my subconscious takes over and the dreams begin. Recently, I dreamt that my mom had come back. The feeling was so real and the relief so tangible that I remember awaking to a refreshing happiness I hadn't experience in some time. The sinking realization of reality was crushing as the hope swiftly dissipated and memories of the truth swept over me, all in a few seconds. If I could just shut off the hope surrounding my mother's loss, convince my subconscious to accept the truth and cease these incessant attempts to convince me that a "what if" exists. ...If I could get hope to shut up.... I could be the strong person I need to be...